How are you doing today? No, really. How are you?
This is such a rhetorical question now. So much so, that we immediately refer to our default responses, “I’m fine”, “I’m good”, or it’s grammatically correct neighbor, “I am well”. The sincerity in that question has lost itself in the microwave nature of our day-to-day interactions. And whether that interaction is with a complete stranger or a familial relationship, “How are you” has become the “understood you”, simply a flavorless gesture that leans more towards formality than intent.
I began my mental health journey nine years ago. My ex-wife and I were at dinner and she told me that she was going to start going to therapy and recommended that I start going, too. For some reason, I didn’t see a need to start. I wasn’t “crazy” or dealing with anything (or so I thought). I also didn’t see a need to reject the idea. So I found a therapist and began my journey.
I never had any resentment towards the idea of counseling. I just didn’t go. In the same way that I’ve never been to Detroit. Not that I think anything is wrong or uncool with Detroit. In fact, I think Detroit would be pretty cool. I just never made plans to go. That’s how I felt and thought about counseling. Besides, I was writing, listening to music, reading, going to church, praying, etc. That was my therapy.
Therapy didn’t have an immediate impact for me. I attended my sessions. I answered questions. I talked about my day-to-day life as well as my past. I can’t say that there was an instant change in my life.
And then, one day, maybe after a few months worth of sessions, I realized something about myself. It came to my attention that I was functioning in Depression. My default attitude was numbness. And it had been my setting for so long that it had never occurred to me that it was what it was! I was living with something and had never acknowledged its presence.
Well, that was certainly a revelation. And I excitedly went into my following session with my therapist to make her aware of my discovery! It was a breakthrough! And so, we began talking about how to manage Depression without medication.
At the time, I was ok with simply figuring out how to live with Depression without being overcome by it. While in college, I did attempt suicide once. Even then, I did not acknowledge my default setting. The only way I knew to combat it was to never allow myself to go into that mental space again. For me, that was enough. And now, that I could give this setting a name, I wanted to know how to live with it.
One morning, I was praying for a cousin of mine who also had been experiencing some mental health issues. As I was praying, I asked God to heal my cousin. “Surely, you can heal him. Everything is under your name, sickness included” I called myself reminding Big Sandals.
“Oh?” was the response. “You believe I can heal him?”
“Absolutely!” I exclaimed.
“Well, what about you? You don’t think I can heal you? Who said you had to live with depression (notice how it became small at this point)? Not me.”
*Silence*
It was in that moment, I understood that a part of my journey was not to live with depression. But to live completely free from it. And I’ve been on that journey since. Now, by no means, did that mean that the work was done and I no longer had a need for therapy. Nor does it mean that someone else shouldn’t consider medication or other healthy means to fight depression. But rather, I changed my focus on how to live freely.
I’ve had many more challenges since then. I’ve had to deal with divorce. I work through the grief of the death of my first wife, my son’s mother. I have to reconcile with the pain of my past, acknowledge the hurt without holding to it. I have to constantly walk in a place of gratitude and remind myself of all the great things about me. And to do it without shame.
Years – and two therapists – later, I’m in the best mental shape that I’ve ever been. I love me. And I like me. A lot! I make sure to take care of my mental space. I see my therapist every two weeks. Our conversations seem less formal, and more catching up with a friend/mentor. I feel free to explore all of my thoughts and feelings. I don’t run from his assessments or critique because I trust that he is able to see my blindspots and he has my best interests at heart. I always leave feeling much better about myself and more equipped to handle whatever experiences I have.
Self-care/self-love is important. And someone reading this may need to hear that self-care is not selfish. It’s important to find habits and practices that are fulfilling for you. And many of them do not require anyone else or money. Some of mine are:
- Praying/Meditation
- Reading
- Listening to great music
- Working out
- Cooking
- Rest. Rest. Rest. Rest.
- Journaling
Therapy has taught me the importance of self-care/self-love, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, forgiveness, and so much more. I can truly say it’s made me a better version of myself. Again, I like me. I love who I am and who I am becoming. And the bonus is all of these things have also helped me in my relationships. I’m able to utilize these tools in a personal as well as professional space. I get to reap the benefits as well as those close to me. While my mental health journey began with me doing something just because, it has turned into something intentional. I think that’s one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned through all of this: living intentionally.
So, I sincerely ask, how are you? Describe your current feelings. Put words to them. And whether you are feeling well or not, let’s qualify these feelings with the what’s and why’s. If you’re not feeling well, start searching for the root of that. Write these thoughts down. It’s ok to be afraid of the pain of recollection. But you’ve already survived the experience. Surely, you can overcome the memory. And once you write these negative thoughts down, have a funeral for it. Literally. Go outside and bury that piece of paper somewhere, or cremate it, and leave it right where it is.
Life will always have challenges. But that doesn’t mean that you’re not worthy of being here, of being alive. And since you’re here, you’re also worthy of kindness and grace. Maybe it won’t be found in your current surroundings. But you can surely find it within. Start there. One breath, one thought, one step, one day at a time. You matter.
I’ll leave with this thought from my therapist that really drove it home for me: “Only you can decide what kind of day you’re going to have.” Things will occur, both positive and negative. It’s all in how you respond to them.
-satch
*Text 988 for more help if you or someone you know needs it.*